Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
