Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
