Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
