I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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