He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
