he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
