just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
