tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
