I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How external is "for external use only"?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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