I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish you could order shots online.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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