I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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