I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
