I wish I only lived at night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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