remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize