so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
