the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
