where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
