I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize