The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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