He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
