I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
