My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
