Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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