So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
