I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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