I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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