Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
