seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
