I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They took my balls.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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