I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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