how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
bring money and cleavage
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
