I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
