He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
