did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
