I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
