dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
babies were throwing up all over the place
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
