Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
