every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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