I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize