HIV tests are more positive than that guy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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