I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
