I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
