I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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