you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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