Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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