the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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