i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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