Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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