Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this just has baby written all over it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
