you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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