I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
