Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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