1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
