That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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