Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
