there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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