Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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