Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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