I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
