she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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