I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
whose parrot is this?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
